You know your family doesn’t approve of your SO and when they fail to pretend like they do, it just makes everything super weird and uncomfortable. When your tattoo artist boyfriend reaches for the mashed potatoes and your mother asks him about the inked on dragon tail peaking out from under his sleeve, you know she’s not genuinely curious about what it means or why he got it. This is when you wish life had a fast forward button.
Not to get all Miranda rights on you, but whatever comes out of your SO’s mouth, your friends and family are most likely going to remember word for word, particularly because they don’t like him or her. When your girlfriend says she hates spinach, and your best friend makes some grandiose spinach salad 2 weeks later, she definitely remembered your girlfriend’s least favorite food.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry I completely forgot you HATE spinach! I can go make you something else! What do you want?! I have anything!” And then your girlfriend continues to grimace with each forkful of spinach she puts to her mouth simply because she doesn’t want to be rude. Also anything they say about their childhood or long term memories will be questioned. “I thought you said you grew up in Missouri?” Well, that was after she moved there from Texas, Mother.
Alcohol makes everyones’ inhibitions fly free. When your SO downs four very dry martinis within the first 30 minutes of being at your parents’ home they are definitely more likely to release their honest opinions. “So, who made the decision on the rooster wallpaper in the kitchen? Bet you regret that one, huh?” You wish you could put your foot in their mouth for them.
Your friends and family love to talk about your SO when they aren’t there to defend themselves. They only get you alone every so often, so they jump at the chance to let you know how they feel. They won’t say anything terribly harsh, but their attempt to keep their disapproval subtle is below average.
When your sister asks if your SO is coming to your mom’s birthday dinner, and your dad tells you she wasn’t feeling well when you arrive to the restaurant with your SO in hand, you know she’s faking sick. Your family backs out of plans when they realize you’re not planning on showing up alone.
You see that smile hiding behind their fake concerned sad eyes. When you have a disagreement with your BFF over something that has nothing to do with your SO, your venting is like music to their ears. They even chime in from time to time. “I can’t believe she just left me hanging like that!” “Well, you know her sweety, that’s how she always is.” You roll your eyes.
They don’t ask you because they want to know, or because they care. They ask you because it is their way of saying, “Have you two broken up yet? And if not, when will that be happening?”
Don’t worry, they aren’t gossiping about you, just about your boyfriend or girlfriend.
When your BFF shops for your SO’s birthday card it will definitely be in the “humor” section. She’ll be sure to pick out something that serves as a snarky dig. “Happy Birthday! It’s your day to be the Princess you’ve always wanted to be!” A perfect card for your 28 year-old MALE boyfriend who works at the perfume counter in JCPenney.
There has never been a time when only one friend comes to hangout with you (when you’re with your SO). Your BFF couldn’t possibly survive one on one time with your boyfriend or girlfriend. What if you get up to go to the bathroom? What will they be left to talk about? They make sure to avoid this situation at all costs. Your BFF also likes to bring someone as a ridiculous form of back up. Just in case the tension rises, they have someone else to stick up for them because they know you’ll do your best to remain neutral.
Your friends and family continuously reassure you that they have your best interests in mind. They consistently tell you that they don’t just simply “not like” your SO, they fear that you’re going to be hurt by them, that they’re not right for you, and that you deserve much better. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide, they just make things a bit more complicated along the way.
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