1. “There’s no one left to finger” – by Sarah McLachlan “Adia”
Famous last words of every small-town lesbian who’s hooked up with all the available girls within a 30-mile radius before she packs up her bags and moves to the big city.
2. “I sometimes watch you in your sleep” – by Lauryn Hill “The Sweetest Thing”
If you ever included this Lauryn Hill quote in a love letter addressed to your current crush signed “Your Secret Admirer,” said love letter would be tested for fingerprints at a forensics lab by local law enforcement and likely earn you a restraining order.
3. “MCs wanna eat me but it’s Ramadan” – by Foxy Brown “Hot Spot”
Every year during the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, female rapper Foxy Brown is untouchable. Outside of that timeframe, it’s open season.
4. “Them chickens is ash and I’m lotion” – by Mariah Carey “It’s Like That”
‘Lotion’ can be used as a codename for your stealth operation to take down any arch enemy named Ashley.
5. “But don’t say my car is topless, say the titties is out” – by Nas “Made You Look”
What a clever metaphor! I’m shocked that this one never caught on. (Sarcasm)
6. “Oh, didn’t quite hit the note, that wasn’t such a good time” – by Janet Jackson “Runaway”
Janet Jackson repeats the phrase “and I just know we’ll have a good time” six times to close out her song “Runaway.” During the fourth iteration, the pitch of her voice drops a bit when uttering “a good time.” Thus, “Oh, didn’t quite hit the note, that wasn’t such a good time” has a double meaning: it is unclear if Jackson is referring to the experience of singing the previous line or to the quality of her voice. This pun is so meta it’s mind-blowing.
7. “Got buffoons eatin’ my pussy while I watch cartoons” – by Lil’ Kim “Queen Bitch”
In one sentence, Lil’ Kim delivers some of the most vulgar lyrics in rap history, shoehorned against some of the most innocuous lyrics in rap history.
8. “We rockin’ stilletos, ho!” – by Crime Mob ft. Miss Aisha “Stilletos (Pumps)”
In lieu of a proper chorus, this announcement is chanted eight consecutive times for a grand total of twenty-four throughout the song.
9. “If the light is off then it isn’t on” – by Hilary Duff “So Yesterday”
Hilary Duff dethrones Aristotle as the most influential philosopher in the history of human civilization with her propositional logic.
10. “Looking back on when I was a little nappy-headed boy” – by Celine Dion “I Wish” (Stevie Wonder cover)
Apparently somebody hit Celine Dion on the head with a blunt object causing her to confabulate a transracial and transgender childhood identity.
11. “Allow me to lace these lyrical douches in your bushes” – by Notorious B.I.G. “Big Poppa”
According to an annotation on Rap Genius…nevermind. I just can’t with this one.
*Disclaimer: Indeed, 9 of the 11 quotes from this list are lyrics by female musicians. This just means I happen to listen to chick music 82% of my time.
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