They talk way too much. No matter what you bring up, they have an opinion on it. These are the type of people who, when losing an argument, say, “Okay, but what’s your point?” Really into social justice issues as a result.
They’re really active on Twitter and Netflix. These are the people who want to be in a relationship when they’re single and want to be single when they’re in a relationship. They use chapstick regularly and drink carbonated water almost exclusively.
Drink Fiji Water exclusively. Health goths. They cover their face when they take selfies, probably with a peace sign. They eat well for their Instagram aesthetic which means they usually have great skin. Easily frustrated; stubborn.
These folks thought Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell was a badass. Bieber fans are more likely to have belly button piercings and attend private universities. Usually very good hosts.
Can’t identify a grapefruit in a police lineup. Slow to anger because they’re used to people shitting on Lil Wayne. Poptarts account for about 20% of their monthly budget. Most likely still lives at home with mom.
They wanna be cool so bad. They break shit when they have sex for no particular reason other than to say that they broke the lamp “this one time” during sex. Most are bartenders in their mid-20s.
These fans fall into one of two camps: white girls who want to fuck him and black folk who believe in the Illuminati. Both camps do cocaine regularly and really like The Great Gatsby for some reason.
There’s always one in the squad, low key. 1D fans are dotted throughout every party waiting patiently for the opportunity to force-casually mention that their fave is “pretty cute” or to openly gush and drive away all by-standers.
An entirely different breed from basic One Direction fans. Zayn fans are quick to refer to significant others as “daddy” or similar. Usually very well educated with a penchant for the written word.
White kids who started smoking weed in 7th grade and ever since cultivated almost an exclusively black friend group somehow. The men are really into snapbacks and sport an earring as well.
Always blog photos of pink guns and blood and refer to themselves as “cum sluts” whether male or female. They have an impressive arsenal of lipsticks and caption their selfies with emojis, usually one of the star ones.
Easily the worst people this side of the galaxy. These people always assume that just because you don’t worship J. Cole, then you just don’t “get it” and need to raise your “awareness” or some shit. You’ll find J. Cole fans at parties standing on the edge, stubbornly not bobbing their heads to hood classics like YG. They eagerly await the slightest opportunity to lament about the “state” of modern hip hop. These are almost exclusively black people who try to like Janelle Monae. Keywords include: “conscious”; “certain type of intellect”; “wake up”; “open your eyes.”
Inexplicably date ugly men, much to the confusion of their friends. Only ever a passive user of recreational drugs with very average, missionary position sex lives.
Always want to have someone’s baby. Nasty in the bedroom but elegant in public. Well-spoken. Catchphrases include: “no chill” and “I mean, I guess.”
Drink henny out of the bottle with no chaser. Very blunt at parties and neurotic at work. Loyal. Prefers caramel frappuccinos.
Went extinct in 2013. Their memory lives on and they will be missed.
Suburban white kids who hate their parents and black kids who are really into street brands. As the Tyler phenomenon has dissipated some, most of the remaining find themselves struggling through art school or have dropped out of college entirely to pursue something “less corporate.”
Likely lost their virginity at a basement party or garage show. Almost identical to Kurt Cobain fans but a little more upbeat and optimistic. Lives in San Francisco or is “moving there soon.”
Play lacrosse for a private university and/or exclusively smoke sativa. Generally nice people even if they’re a little spacy.
Refer to Big Sean as “slept on” but won’t ever go so far as to say he’s the greatest. Great at parties. Avoid confrontation but hold grudges. Can be found in interracial relationships.
Really fuck with granola and unironic pastels. Can often be found in beachside cafes fake reading philosophy books. Want to be emo but can’t seem to commit to actually being sad all of the time.
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