July 20, 2015
PARENTS! Is your teen a devil worshipper? Terms to look for… BFFs: Big Fan For Satan ASL: Attend Sacrifice Later? IRL: I Recommend Lucifer
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 8, 2015
[driving with recently divorced friend] "Which way do we turn here?" Left. [fifteen seconds later] "You know who else left"
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) March 24, 2015
“Golf is such a relaxing sport” I say as I throw my clubs into a lake. “Super relaxing” I say as I drive my cart in after it. “I feel so rel
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 18, 2015
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park) INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'? ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015
New Laws of Robotics 4 A robot may not wear a hat for deceptive purposes 5 A robot may wear a hubcap as a hat; must not conflict with Law 4
— viney (@vineyille) July 16, 2015
ME: [proposing to gf] I love you. will you make the happiest man in the World…. HER: Yes! Of course! ME: ….of Warcraft? Join my clan pls
— polite boy (@polite_good_boy) July 17, 2015
"We are all stardust." Neil deGrasse Tyson points at me. "Except you." Startled, I drop my beer can, it rolls to the front of the auditorium
— viney (@vineyille) June 23, 2015
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) July 10, 2013
[tries to call psychic hotline from airplane but instead calls radio station] "hello you're on the air" holy shit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 15, 2015
MONDAY [boss sees pic of baby] He looks just like you You think so? Absolutely TUESDAY [puts suit on son & sends him to work in my place]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) April 14, 2015
pretty rude of my friends 2 invite me 2 their dry wedding
— bdsm babbygril (@a_cute_bug) July 17, 2015
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
— Jhon Rules (@JhonRules) March 26, 2015
[after work] Yoda: Good idea this was Me: Told ya Yoda: BEERS I HAVE HAD Me: Um Yoda: Those cops I will fuck with Me: DUDE WAIT
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 14, 2015
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will…we will..miss you"
— brent (@murrman5) July 12, 2015
[After losing a rap battle] "How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
I imagine having self confidence feels like those few moments when an extended tape measurer is flying backwards into your hand
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 9, 2015
The minions are like the 2016 GOP presidential candidates. There's too many of them and nothing they say makes any fucking sense.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 8, 2015
Thanks for sending flowers but when I said my aunt was sick I meant at freestyle battle raps.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 5, 2014
There was a 3 month sweet spot at the end of 2007 where all you had to do to make your movie cool was include MGMT's Kids in the soundtrack
— Fedora Papì™ (@sam_reginald) July 8, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
[At work] "guys check this out" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] "Holy shit help"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 5, 2015
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 8, 2015
…and then Paul Revere took off his wu-tang shirt and loaded his Uzi and started spraying Brits left and right the end
— craP (@Karate_Horse) July 4, 2015
if hotdogs were called hotcats nobody would eat them
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 3, 2015
"I just tried to make reservations at the library" You don't need a res- "Couldn't get one though" Don't do this "They were fully booked"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 4, 2015
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