You’re no stranger to heartbreak, and you’ve been hurt before. You fear the chance of being hurt again, and even worse, you fear the pain that comes after it. You won’t let him in because you doubt his intentions, but people generally don’t intend to hurt one another, it just unfortunately happens.
This isn’t all about him, it’s also about you. There are certain parts about yourself you don’t want him to see. They aren’t just physical flaws; your fear delves deeper than the surface. You’re scared he’ll discover the little things you wish you could change about yourself. Whether it’s your obsessive need to always have a plan, or how you become reserved in a room full of people, you don’t want him to ever see this side of you, so you push him away and fail to let him in because of it.
Sharing how you really feel is always a scary endeavor. Communication is key, yes, but honesty about feelings often makes people run in the opposite direction. Letting him in means you truly care about him, and you’re not sure that’s something you want. This isn’t a matter of hiding your feelings, it’s the fact that you’re scared of how he’ll react to them. You don’t want him to think you’re coming on too strong so you keep him at a distance to prevent him from running scared, but you’re the one running in the process.
You can’t control whether or not he hurts you, but you can control whether or not you hurt him. Self sabotage is a side effect of being scared to let him in. You often mess things up on purpose, and if not on purpose, you wonder if you’re doing it subconsciously. Don’t start texting the toxic ex just because you know your falling hard for someone new. Worrying about how he will mess things up is stressful enough, you shouldn’t have to worry that you will make a mess of it too.
You hate people who tell you to get back on the horse, or the bike, or whatever other metaphorical object they choose, and this is no different. The truth is, if you let someone in the last time, and got the wind knocked out of you, it doesn’t mean that will happen every time. You’re scared, yes, but each time you fall and get back up, the last fall doesn’t seem so bad.
You think to yourself, don’t fix what isn’t broken. You seem to be surviving life pretty well right now, so why change what currently is working? But change doesn’t have to be so scary. Don’t be scared to change how life is perfectly satisfying on your own, because it could be that much more satisfying if you learn to let him in.
The only thing worse than the initial heartbreak is trying to heal after it. You know how difficult it is to truly move on, and you question whether anyone ever sincerely does. When you’ve healed just enough to find someone new, you can still see the scars from your past relationship, and it reminds you to keep him at a distance. How can you worry so much about healing if you won’t let him close enough to hurt you anyway?
You like being independent, and when you realize your happiness comes and goes according to his actions you start to back away. You think he’s the one controlling your emotions, but really he’s just adding to them. You’ve felt happiness with and without him, so you know you can survive either way. Letting him in doesn’t put him in control of your life, it gives you someone to share it with.
Comments will be approved before showing up.