“Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” ~Osho
As far as I can remember, I have always asked myself questions about the nature of my emotional pain. I analyzed and went on long thinking quests to find answers to all of this deliberation. I was convinced that I would find deliverance by coming up with the exact hypothesis, about why I was chosen to have to live with so much trauma and pain in my childhood.
I felt like a victim of life.
I did not wonder about the source of my joy; on the contrary I simply accepted these positive emotions.
I went through a phase of denying the negative emotions I experienced, and I thought that being positive, at all costs, would “chase” away my suffering. At the time, I used the skills best known to me, to defend myself against the pain I felt.
For many years I attempted to transform a negative emotion into a positive one. Albeit, the pain did not subside, it was still echoing loudly, and eventually manifested itself at full volume. Then not too long ago, someone gave me the permission to embrace my pain. I felt as though I had been given the authority to grieve the entire trauma that I had ever experienced.
I began this journey of looking at the source of my pain. Yet, I felt drowned by it, and I felt the constant burn of going through the fire. I indulged in this state and felt some form of relief about acknowledging all of this suffering.
Upon reflecting on the path I had permitted myself to take, to travel to the depths of my past, I uncovered that I had developed an unconscious belief that someone was guilty for inflicting this suffering on me. As a result, I continued the cycle of victimization, where I was seeking to lay blame on someone for my ill feelings, thus not achieving inner peace.
Following my last break-up, to the man I call one of my soul mates, I fell to pieces, and delved into the tides of emotions that came my way—sadness, loneliness, fear and depression. The pain was louder than anything I have ever experienced, thus far.
I blamed him for all of the suffering I was experiencing, I made him the source of my turmoil, and then I used hate towards him to manage my pain. I was in victim mode, and I turned him into the cause of my darkness.
Then it dawned on me, and I recognized that I was fighting against the tide again by not accepting my pain.
That is when I started to wonder about the following: “If I am able to accept the positive experiences of my life, that bring me joy and happiness, without even questioning their origin or trying to avoid them, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, such as sadness, pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?”
Emotions—be they uplifting and joyful, or sorrowful and scary—come to us to teach us. Once I began to surrender, embracing all of life and the lessons dispensed to us for our spiritual growth, I reduced my tendency to seek someone to blame. The cycle of victimization is slowly disappearing, and being replaced with my own growth and healing.
I learned that by embracing the darkness within my soul, all the while shining a light on it, I can better see the depth and darkness of my pain. It does show me where the source of my suffering resides: It was in me all along.
By embracing what comes on this journey, and having faith that I am not given anything I cannot handle, I am going with the flow that life offers. Trying to go upstream is a defense mechanism that I learned to cope. I am learning a new way of coping, and I let myself feel the course of life.
When we embrace our pain, suddenly it isn’t so painful.
Faye Assee is a social worker and a spiritual warrior. She works at helping others find within themselves their own healing power. Follow Faye on Twitter @ouropenheart.
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